All This Time
by vanillaandtoothpaste
Summary: You self destructive, Little girl. Pick yourself up, Don't blame the world. So you screwed up, But you're gonna be okay. Now call your boyfriend, And apologize. You pushed him pretty far Away last night. He really loves you, You just don't always love yourself.


**I know Nickelodeon puts in a lot of stuff in Victorious just for comic relief but I was watching The Worst Couple before and it suddenly occurred to me.. What if Jade had really hit Sinjin with her car..**

**A lot of this is inspired by the first verse of the song 'All This Time' by Maria Mena. She is a Norwegian singer who really didn't get very famous outside of I think Norway, Germany and the Netherlands. Please listen to the song whilst reading :) You'll understand the inspiration.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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"I can't believe you did that!" Beck reprehended me for about the hundredth time in the past hour. I narrowed my eyes and sucked in my cheeks, clenching my teeth. Beck was driving so he wasn't looking at me but I knew if he did, his eyes would be full of anger at me.

"I just.. I can't believe you fucking did that!" Beck yelled, sounding more and more angry by the second. I squeezed my back teeth a little tighter together and swallowed the heavy lump in the back of my throat.

"I—" My voice cracked and he interrupted me.

"No Jade! Save it."

I've always been the type of person that lets stuff get to me. I get angry at stupid things and hurt easily. I'm the first to lose my cool when a small thing annoys me, I can't help it. But you know that feeling when someone says something and it angers you so much that for a moment you feel like a ball of fire? And you can almost feel your eyes glistening with hate and despise for the person who said it? That's how I felt when Sinjin handed us the trophy for being "worst couple."

Beck pulled up in my drive, still not having properly talked to me after the incident. I knew I'd messed up. I knew what I did was stupid. I _really_ didn't need him to tell me that.

"I almost don't want to give you your car keys back." Beck sighed. I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes again and I hated it. I hated that this was upsetting me. I hated being made to feel like a child, like a horrible person.

"I said I was sorry!" I yelled, tired of having to think about this.

"Sinjin is in hospital, most likely with a broken leg and you think sorry is going to cut it?" Beck exclaimed. I closed my eyes trying to suppress the flashbacks of Sinjin's scream and Beck's yell as I pressed hard on the stupid accelerator pedal.

"You know.. none of this would have happened if you hadn't been such an asshole during that gameshow. If you hadn't basically admitted you hate me in front of all our friends and a live fucking audience!"

"Oh so it's my fault you ran over Sinjin's leg?" Beck laughed dryly, "Jade you are not the single most important person in the world."

"I never said I was!"

"Yeah well sometimes you can be shockingly selfish." Beck exclaimed.

"I'm going inside." I was done with listening to him tell me off. I screwed up! I know I screwed up… I just didn't think there was anything I could do to fix it. I climbed out of the passenger seat of my car and waited for Beck to get out too. He did and I locked the door.

"I guess I'll just walk then.." Beck glared at me as I walked up the steps to my front door. "Thanks babe.. so kind."

"Yeah? Well you're not happy with our relationship remember?" I turned to face him completely hurt. Not as hurt as Sinjin in a literal sense, but I hurt too. I fucking hurt too. Beck looked at me with absolute pity in his eyes, like he thought I was as low as I could possibly get and sighed. God I hated everything about that look. Could he just be done with making me feel like a horrible person already?!

"I love you but you are pushing me really far this time Jade! Really damn far!" Beck yelled.

"Leave me alone!" I slammed my front door shut on his face. Oh I was pushing him alright. He didn't deserve this but I couldn't stop myself anymore. I was on a slippery slope down to the worst girlfriend as well as being half of the worst couple. The worst classmate award was already mine. Who the hell runs over somebody? It made me want to laugh and then cry relentlessly. Was I losing it? Was I actually becoming a psychopath because the last time I checked it was not nearly normal to run over another person on purpose. I closed my bedroom door behind me and lay face down on my bed. A lot of thoughts were running through my head but the main one that stood out was fuck, I hate myself.

I lay there in my pit of self-loathing until my phone buzzed around four hours later, alerting me to a text from Beck. I rolled over and picked up the phone to read the message.

_Miraculously Sinjin's leg isn't broken, just badly sprained. You got really lucky today Jade._

I locked the screen and returning to lying completely still with my eyes closed. I was relieved that Sinjin was okay. I didn't mean to hurt him. Okay, okay. At the time I did, but I was just.. It just sucks when you're fighting so hard to repair something so damaged and failing and to have another person tell you to your face that you are the worst couple in a group where not a single person in the other team is actually in a relationship. And then a fucking trophy? Seriously? It was like he was rubbing salt in my eyes and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I ran myself a bath and stripped my clothes off. The water was burning hot but I didn't care. I wanted to feel the heat against my incredibly sensitive skin and the pain of the burning all over my body. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. It hurt a lot but somehow I managed to lie myself down without too much resistance from my reflexes.

I didn't want Beck to hate me. I wanted Beck to love me like he used to. Like he had done for the past three years but I just couldn't seem to do anything right. I pushed him away with everything I had and it was like I couldn't stop it anymore. I just wanted him to hold me, and for me to press my face against his chest and breathe in his scent and feel his rough but simultaneously soft lips against my temple as kisses me and whispers to me.. you're an idiot, but I love you.

I don't doubt he loves me. He loves me, He really loves me. God knows why.. Sometimes I think I actually detest me. There's this saying that goes something like.. you have to love yourself before anyone else can. But what if I know I can't. How can I love myself when I am the mean, horrible, selfish person that I am? I need Beck to love me because without him, I am nothing. I already am nothing. But at least with Beck I can pretend.

Eventually I climbed out of the bath. The air around me stung my now scolded, red flesh and when I wrapped my towel around my body, the hairs on it stung and hugged my sore skin and my eyes watered once more. I dropped the towel as fast as I could and crawled back into bed. My phone notified me that Beck had made a status on the slap and I quickly checked it, terrified of what he possibly had to say right now.

_Beck Oliver: It's impossible for a selfish person to find happiness._

Gee thanks Beck, I wonder who you're talking about there? Well at least you're not wrong.. I'm fucking miserable.

I just want to cry but I can't.. I'm too numb to cry. And actually I think there's something in my head stopping me from crying anyway. I don't deserve my own tears. And I don't deserve Beck. I'm just a self-destructive little girl who treats him and everyone else like shit. I'm sorry. I love you too. My head is screaming. I love you. I love you so much.

I can't sleep. I wished those words would leave my head but I couldn't rid myself of them. Beck and I always texted each other goodnight and to not do so felt wrong and sad and I just couldn't sleep. I felt too guilty. I ran over somebody today. I ran somebody over on purpose. The thought of it hurt my head and made me want to puke. I would say sorry to Sinjin in the morning at school.. that is if he came to school, if his leg wasn't too messed up. And if it was I'd get his phone number or address from Burf and go to his house to tell him how truly sorry I was for this. And sadly, I knew that was all I needed to do. Getting Sinjin to forgive me was easy, he was easy like that. It was Beck that was difficult

Just call him. Just call him and apologise. I sat up in bed and took my phone out of the speaker on my nightstand. For the first time all day I allowed myself to cry a little. Just call him _please_. Why was it so hard?!

Maybe it was hard because I hated admitting I was wrong to him. Or maybe it was because I was scared that he meant what he said today about not being happy anymore. I think that was it. I couldn't stand the thought of Beck sad. And if I was the one making him sad.. where did that leave us?

"Hello?" Beck answered the phone on the second ring. It was 1:45am and it was a school night. He had probably been asleep but I had to talk to him. I had to be selfish as usual.

"Beck.." I croaked, barely able to hold myself together for even this.

"Hey.. I'm here. Don't cry." He sounded concerned, but fed up. I would be too if I had to put up with me as a girlfriend.

"I'm sorry I got angry and hit Sinjin with my car. I feel like a shitty person."

"You were a shitty person in that moment Jade." Beck agreed with me. I closed my eyes, just allowing the tears to run down my face and drip onto my still tender skin. It was silent between us until I released a pained, quiet sob.

"I really hate hearing you crying." Beck admitted softly. I tried to wipe my eyes and stop because I couldn't do more things to upset him. I'd already done more than enough of that today. But the silence and distance between us was breaking my heart and it felt like the more I tried to stop, the more difficult it was to muffle my own cries.

"I'm not excusing your behaviour but he did wind you up. That trophy upset me too. I had upset you, Tori had been driving you crazy. You were mad."

"I ran him over Beck!" I shook my head, it still felt ridiculous to say out loud. I started crying terrified, heartbroken sobs. I could have killed a person. A living, breathing boy with a family and a future. And it would have been murder. I would have been a murder. Was that an attempted murder? Could I legally be convicted for attempted murder? "Oh God!" I buried my head in my hands devastated.

"Shh shh. Jade." I think it finally dawned on Beck just how upset I was right now as he tried to reassure me. "Jade Sinjin is okay. I spoke to him as soon as I got in to mine and it's just a bad sprain. He has crutches but the doctors think he'll be walking properly again in a week."

I took deep breaths trying to calm myself down but it was hard. I felt completely disgusting. I wanted nothing more than to curl up and die.

"I'm sorry." I repeated.

"I know you are babe." Beck assured me softly, "He's going to be fine. You can stop hating yourself for it now."

"No." I disagreed in a panic. "No I deserve this. I'm selfish."

Beck sighed as though he was struggling to find the right words to help me when on some level he agreed. I deserved to feel bad about this and no one could convince me otherwise.

"Can I come over?" Beck asked.

"Mm." I sniffed. "You can do whatever you want."

"I want to come over." I heard Beck climbing out of bed and I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I didn't deserve him to come over and be with me. I deserved to be by myself and to cry myself to sleep.. alone. But I just told him he could do what he wants. I heard him starting up his car and I knew I had ten minutes before he reached my house, maybe less since it was the middle of the night and no cars would be out.

We weren't talking whilst he drove but I knew he hadn't hung up because I could hear his engine running and occasional sighs coming from his lips. I was still completely naked so I opened my chest of drawers, threw on a long, baggy jumper and ran a brush through my hair before making my way downstairs to let my boyfriend in. I opened the door just as he was walking up the path. My lip quivered and I felt sad again about what I did. Beck's face was a mixture of disappointment and concern and I'm not sure which of those was worse. He stepped inside and I burst into tears, letting him wrap me in a tight hug.

"Lets go to bed. Stop crying. It's not fixing anything." Beck kissed my forehead and wiped away the tears running down my face and dripping off my nose. I nodded and allowed him to take my hand and lead me back upstairs to my bedroom. We both lay down on my bed and I lay half on him. My leg between his legs and supported by his arm. This was the way we lay. We always laid this way.

"What am I going to do?" I sniffed, a long time later.

"Apologise and never do anything like it again." Beck replied simply. He sighed and turned to face me, "What were you thinking?"

"How dare you point out the flaws in my already unstable relationship?" I replied honestly. Our eyes met for a moment, full of sadness and completely done with everything. Oh god how I loved his eyes. They were so beautiful and warm and honest. I could stare at his eyes for the rest of my life and I wouldn't even mind. "I'm a horrible person." I whispered.

"A horrible person wouldn't feel this guilty." Beck assured me, rubbing his palm up and down the curve of my waist, getting a little lower each time. I exhaled, closing my eyes and leaning into his body as his warm hands pulled me closer. I was like butter in his arms. I would melt into him and do as he pleased. His eyes were locked in on mine and my eyes on his lips. I glanced back at his eyes just as he closed them and leant in to kiss me.

The kiss was deep and pained and sad and lonely. We were kissing like we were a normal couple, without the arguing and without all the hate and hurt that surrounded us. I slid my tongue into his mouth and tasted him for the millionth time in my life and I still couldn't get enough. His mouth tasted like toothpaste but underneath the strong mint he still tasted like Beck. The same Beck I kissed three years ago.

It wasn't long before our clothes were off and our bodies intertwined as Beck pounded inside me. It was slow and gentle sex at first but it wasn't long before we were punishing each other with our bodies, aggressive and needy. Sucking and biting. Our quiet groans of pleasure and pain were so symbolic of how our relationship was at the moment. Truculent, intimate, desperate and cruel.

"Fuck!" I groaned loudly, pressing my forehead against Beck's shoulder as I came in waves of gratification and torture as Beck sped up. He was grunting in pleasure and anger and I was paralysed as he continued to have sex with me despite my orgasm, punishing my tender body and making me cry out in a sensitive pain. When he finally finished, I was so done and so tired and so ready to sleep.

"I love you." I told him, pressing my sweaty forehead against his own. Beck panted in and out, still coming down from the entire affair. He wrapped his arms under my body and pulled me on top of his chest where we both continued to breathe deeply, attempting to slow our hearts.

"I love you too." Beck sighed running his hands through his hair and then through mine. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the sensation of his gentle touch. I don't know when or how I fell asleep but I did at some point very soon after that and when I woke up with Beck beside me the next morning I felt slightly less broken than I did before. That slightly less broken feeling lasted until lunch. Until the next big fight kicked in. It was my fault as usual. I hate myself. The cycle starts again.

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**:(**


End file.
